Family, Friends, Lovers, and Politicians

Family, Friends, Lovers, and Politicians        By Mary Ann Sorrentino           Pub. Date: Nov. 6, 2019

Real friends are precious: people we grew up with, those there for us when we need them, and family members we cherish. That’s why, when today’s “Great Divide--”  red vs. blue, white vs. people of color, Wall Street vs. Main Street, Christians vs. non-Christian – spills into our conversations, something destructive seems to be happening.

It’s tough to defend differing political views; it’s tougher still to lose the comfort and joy of those who love us (and whom we love) over whether Hunter is more corrupt than Ivanka.

If America is being made “Great Again” Americans, once admired and envied around the globe, seem to have forgotten how to “crown her good with brotherhood...”

How many of you have felt a growing discomfort when speaking with people you have known and cherished for decades? Some act as if your views are ridiculous and even destructive. Conversely, are you ashamed to admit your outrage about the opposing views of intimates? 

A child of immigrants, I sympathize with those risking all to come to America to escape lives of fear, danger, and starvation in their native lands, as many of our forebears did. I am unwilling to trade a strong investment portfolio for my abandonment of the belief that America’s greatness stems as much from her tolerance and charity as from her wealth and might.

Conversations I looked forward to now often disintegrate into arguments punctuated by horrified or condescending looks, sighs of disbelief, and even put-downs from both sides of the argument of the moment.

I sometimes miss the days when people kept their political and religious views out of social conversations. Today, if we don’t vehemently defend our beliefs we feel strongly that we are conceding ground. Too many conversations begin with both sides crouched in the “…mark, set, go!” position waiting for the gunshot to start a race to nowhere.

The “…Let’s not talk about that…” diversion eventually brings so many elephants into the room that neither side can ignore the noise they make or the stench they throw off. Eventually and predictably, the first salvo is heard and the battle begins—again. In the end, what was supposed to be (and once was) discourse between people who care about each other ends in hurried departures, insincere 

pledges to “get together soon” and a sense of loss as each side watches the other walk into the sunset.

Couples talk about the bitterness of today’s political stalemate taking its toll on once-loving relationships. Parents avoid talks with adult children—and vice-versa. After work drinks—once collegial -- become a test of restraint that often fails: once-sedate book clubs move to combat.

Something has broken down in America and everyone seems to notice but Americans. When Washington’s actions decimate the friendly way citizens who have cared about each other for years or generations interact, we need to take a good look at what is happening. As many of our world neighbors would tell us, politics affect institutions in an obvious way, but when too many profiteers on both sides of the aisle worry more about themselves than about those they have sworn to protect and defend, the battles waged in the halls of government can turn the kitchen, the clubhouse, the dining room, and even the pews into bunkers. It is one thing for the stock market, manufacturing, agriculture, and labor groups to experience ups and downs because of national policy, but it is quite another when taxpayers become so polarized that they can no longer tolerate good friends and relatives with different political views. 

We can’t allow great friendships to turn to disrespect and even hatred without using thoughtful discourse to salvage camaraderie before it’s too late. This is not an easy assignment. I don’t expect David Duke to become Barack Obama’s pal, but I am trying to approach my friends on the far-Right with enough logic wrapped in sincerity and humor to allow the decades of caring that bind us to outweigh the few years of political estrangement threatening us. I also know, sadly, that some relationships will not survive this polarization.

In the end, we shall always need the respect and genuine caring we get from those closest to us—and they will always expect that from us in return. Hopefully, Americans will learn what older cultures  learned throughout history: politics are fleeting; the healing and nurturing of close friendships and familial bonds—in the end—spare us through life from the isolation that unbridled political opposition can create. Shrill arguments or, worse, angry silences, fracture friendships.

The task before us, then, is to remember who really cares and who—in the end—is important in our lives. (Hint: Friends and family probably outrank politicians every time.) Meanwhile, in rough patches such as we are experiencing, it’s wise to hone our skills for more respectful discourse and set an example of tolerance even when faced with loud and inflexible opposition.

Whichever 24-hour cable channel we watch for all the answers, true friends and loving family will always make us feel better than tomorrow’s Tweets or breaking headlines.

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Mary Ann Sorrentino’s column appears regularly on the First Wednesday in the Globe. Follow her on Twitter at @Thatmaryann or email thatmaryann@yahoo.com.